The horny bitch on my shoulder wins…

Even though DCP seems to be quite taken with me, and I don’t want to do anything to aid that… the horny bitch on my shoulder is yelling at me to fuck.

I like to fuck.   I just want to get that out of the way.  Okay maybe like isn’t strong enough.  I LOVE it.  But even though I love it, I have a hard time picking people I want to actually do it with.  I’m not crazy now, I worry about disease.

I like to cultivate a relationship.  I’m not exactly opposed to one night stands, but I’d rather be friends with someone.  Comfortable.  Someone I know I will continue to be friends with after whatever sexual romp goes on between us.

Right  now that is DCP.  I could call up on The Married Guy but I’m trying to keep at least a little smut off my soul.  I just hope he doesn’t fall any harder for me.  I have magic ‘tween these legs.

Well played horny bitch, well played.

He loves me, he loves me not.

There are two boys in my life that play big roles.  One loves me and I don’t love him.  One loves me not, and I… have feelings for him.  One is a complete and utter asshole.  To be more precise he is The Asshole.  And oh God, I can’t shake this boy.

I have no reason to have any feelings at all for The Asshole.  He’s done and said pretty much every fucked up thing you can do to a person and yet I still like him.  I want to hate him.  God I want to hate him.  I want to ignore him when he calls me, I want to ignore him when he sends me a text.  I want the strength to just NOT ANSWER.

But I can’t resist.

Today, the other boy in my life, all but told me he is falling in love with me.  DCP called me and threw one of his “hypothetical” questions at me.  This is when he says “let me ask you a hypothetical question…”  I’ve decoded that to mean ya know, I really want to know, but I don’t want you to know that I want to know.  Ya know?

Are you following along?

So anyhoo, he calls me and asks, “What would you do if someone was falling for you?”

“…”

What the fizzuck am I supposed to say?  Please don’t fall for me.  Please.  I’m not ready.  I’m not there.  You’re an awesome guy, and everyone thinks you are great for me.  Hell, I think you’re great for me.  I’m just not great for you.  Not right now.  I can’t put my heart into this.  Please don’t wait for me…

I told him I don’t want to be his happiness.  I don’t want him to wait for me to come around and want a relationship.  I just got divorced two months ago.  And what I didn’t say was, I’m still sort of infatuated with The Asshole who is absolutely fucking TOXIC for me.

Jesus Christ, what a mess.

The Lonelies

I consider myself to be a fairly happy person.  Most people will find me with a smile on my face, and a joke on my lips.  But sometimes, especially lately, I’ve been hit with The Lonelies.  This is when I’m feeling lonely and it depresses me.  It seems to hit me the most when I wake up in the morning, and especially if it’s sunny out.

What makes this all odd, is I don’t particularly want a boyfriend.  I’m happy to be single for the most part, but I’ll begrudgingly admit I want to date more.  And by that I mean less sex (God did I just say that?) and more ya know… dating.

It’s hard out here for a pimp.

Let’s meet the players…

I’m going to try and keep this blog from being disjointed, but I have no particular order in which I’m telling these stories.  I’m going to take this time to introduce the people who will probably be talked about the most.

1.  The Ex (the ex husband)

2.  Special K (the first extramarital affair I had)

3.  The Man with Three Inches (the second extramarital affair I had)

4.  The Asshole (oh trust me… there will be a post dedicated entirely to him as he probably has the biggest role in my life)

5.  The Thug (my first tryst since I’ve been back in my home state)

6.  Costanza (heh)

7.  The Married Guy (that’s self explanatory)

8.  Kev (a random dude)

9.  DCP (my current… romp)

Just looking at this is already making me feel all kinds of whorish.  But as I post, they all have their own little tales to tell.

Sometimes… size does matter.

Yes, that is a very cliche line.  I was always in the group of people who defended the men in that area.  A guy could have the biggest dick around, but if he doesn’t know how to use it, it’s just not going to work.  I’ve had that problem before.  But that’s another entry.

Right now I want to tell the tale of my experience with a man who wasn’t so uh, endowed.  My friends and I refer to him as, “The Man With the Three Inches.”  You have to give him his proper title, that’s why the caps.

I won’t go into the whys, and hows of how we met.  No, I want to fast forward to actually getting down to the nitty gritty.   We’re in a hotel.  We’re there together for the whole weekend.  He’s a great guy – we can talk for hours about a wide variety of topics, he can be funny, and most of all he’s into me.

We started to kiss.  Kissing is dangerous for me.  A good kiss will have the juices running down my leg.  Combine the kissing with grinding and I’m a hot mess.  At this point I still haven’t seen the glory that is his penis.

We got naked.  And there it was.  I blinked a few times because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  The sad thing was he was really proud of it, and  what could I say at that point?  I do have some sort of warmth in my heart.     We laid down on the bed side by side.  He was doing glorious things to my nether region.  He leaned over and whispered in my ear “Why don’t you  grab a handful of cock.”

Handful?  Where?  Is there a dildo under the bed?  Is someone coming to join us?  I’m listening for a knock at the door.  Where is this handful of cock?  I had to stifle a laugh.

On the plus side for him, since it was so small, he was the easiest blowjob ever.  I could fit his entire dick, and probably the balls if I was so inclined, into my mouth in one go.

I don’t want to sound like a callous bitch, but needless to say I broke it off with him shortly after that weekend.  I didn’t tell him it was because of his tiny penis though.  Yay for me.

A guy doesn’t have to have a monster dong to hang (did you see what I did there?) with me, but please give me something I can work with.

My Virgin Entry

That just sounds obscene, I know.

I’d like to first say, I’m not a slut.  The entries I make here will probably lead you to believe otherwise.  And ok… maybe I’m a little bit of a slut.  But I’m single, so it’s ok.  Most of the entries I make will be about my dating/sex life, or any other pearls of wisdom I may drop.

Oh and some flashbacks to married life, I suppose.